Preparing to Feel Unprepared

Since I found out I was selected for this trip, I have been trying to read up on Haiti. I ordered "Mountains Beyond Mountains," written about Paul Farmer and his medicinal work in Haiti for the last 40 years, and "Haiti After the Earthquake"-- written by  Paul Farmer to address the pre and post-earthquake situations in Haiti. From these books I hoped to gain a image and understanding of Haiti to prepare myself for the trip. When we began our pre-trip meeting last week, I received a third book called "The Big Truck That Went By" which details the earthquake and subsequent events from the viewpoint of journalist Jonathon Katz. Each of these books brings a different perspective; coupled with the pre-trip meetings and discussions, I feel like I'm learning a great deal about Haitian, history, culture, and life.

However, when I was reading "The Big Truck" something hit me. I don't remember what was written or what image I imagined that caused this mini transformation but for an instant, the Haitian earthquake scenario became very, very real for me, instead of just words on a page. I remember putting myself into Haiti and imagining if Haiti was my whole world. If I only knew one place and it had just been catastrophically destroyed, how would that feel? What would my world view be? I have gotten the opportunity to do a great deal of travel so I'd like to think that I have a more extensive world view, one that I take every chance to expand. But I've realized through reading and talking with my group members that it is hard to separate myself from these experiences and imagine a world where people have not seen the U.S. or other parts of the world or to imagine what its like to live on $1 or less a day. 

This mini episode lasted only a second but it made me feel like no amount of reading or discussing will prepare me for what I'm going to see, feel, think, or hear in Haiti. I am nervous, excited, and very curious to go. I'm wary about being a "slum-tourist" or "good-intentioned volunteer" but I am eager to learn and help if I can. I'll be continuing my reading and discussing, preparation is important. But I am also acutely aware that no matter how many books I read, nothing can fully prepare me for this new experience.